Divinest Sense

OK, listen up, people. We need to talk about this.

I know there are a whole bunch of you who like the Chinese restaurant across the street from my office almost as much as I do, but in order for us to continue going there for lunch at the same time without anyone (you) getting injured (by me), I’m going to need to establish some ground rules.

First, let’s get a general idea of the layout of the place. When you walk in the door, you see in front of you a small cafeteria line with a plexiglas guard. Posted prominently on this guard, right in front of your face when you walk in the door, is a menu. This is all the stuff that they cook in the restaurant. There is a lot of it, and it’s all very good. You can order anything off of the menu that you want, dine in or carry out, but you will have to wait five minutes while they cook it for you.

Posted right above this menu, on bright pink poster board in heavy black marker, is a sign proclaiming “Express lunch $5.95″. Further signs explain that this express lunch, which we can take to mean “fast”, “quick”, or even “instantaneous”, comprises rice or noodles and two (2) items of your choice from the cafeteria steam table visible directly behind the plexiglas.

Now, right here is where you people are starting to get confused. You see, the reason that the express lunch special is cheap and fast is that the options are limited to what you see in front of you on the steam table. If you don’t like any of that, you need to scurry on up to the cash register, order an item from the menu, and wait for it to be cooked. These are your two options. A third option is to leave this restaurant and don’t ever come back.

I can understand that the presentation and implementation of the available options might be confusing the first time you visit the restaurant, but two short exchanges of words between you and the server will get you to where you need to go.

You: I want to order from the menu.

Server: Go over there. (points to register)

If the express lunch offerings look appealing to you–and trust me, I’ve tried them all and they are delicious–walk right up to the server and tell her which things you want. There is a protocol here that takes one visit to learn:

1. State whether this order is “to go” or “for here”. This is critical. Without this piece of information, your server won’t know which receptacle to dish your meal into - a styrofoam container or a ceramic plate. I hope you can figure out which receptacle is for which purpose.
2. Select your starch. Steamed rice, fried rice, or noodles. Sometimes the noodles are rice vermicelli, sometimes they are lo mein. Whichever one is sitting there in front of you is the one you are going to get, so don’t ask for rice noodles when it’s lo mein day. Do you want noodles or not? This is the only thing you need concern yourself with at this stage.
3. Select your two entrees. A spring roll counts as an entree for the purposes of the express lunch. If you get two meats *and* a spring roll, you better expect to pay extra. This will not be explained to you beforehand. Live and learn.

Again, not so easy for newcomers. But you, lady with the schnauzer jacket, I’ve been in that line behind you on at least three different occasions, and you’re just not getting it, and it’s taking you a whole lot of complicated word exchanges to try to get it, and it still doesn’t work, and I just don’t know how to help you.

Schnauzer lady: I want the lunch special with sauteed spinach and broccoli beef.

Server: This is lunch special. (gesturing at steam table, which contains neither of the above)

Schnauzer lady: Ok, I’d like the lunch special, but with SAUTEED SPINACH and BROCCOLI BEEF.

Server: You order from the menu, go over there.

Schnauzer lady: No, no, no! I don’t want a full order of those things, I just want a little bit with some noodles and a spring roll for $5.25, but do you have those other noodles, the skinny rice ones? I like those better.

Server: *blink*

And you, lady with the unbleached linen tank dress and clogs - ok, the deal with the soup is that there are two kinds available to you on an “express” basis, hot & sour or egg drop. Pretty standard fare, no? But the good people here at this restaurant like to go the extra mile and garnish your plastic container of soup with some chopped green onions. That’s where you seem to have a problem.

Clogs: (addressing the whole restaurant) I can’t possibly eat this much food. I’ll just take soup to go.

Server: Hot & sour or egg drop?

Clogs: You don’t have Hong Kong style soup with tofu and noodles and veggies?

Server: You order that from the menu over there, ready in 5 minutes.

Clogs: *Sighhhh* I can’t wait that long, just give me the egg drop, I guess. NO NO! That container is too big, you can’t possibly expect me to eat that, it’s going to get cold before I’m even halfway done… OK, just fill it halfway.

Server: OK, halfway.

Clogs: What is that you’re putting on top? Is that spinach?

Server: It’s onion.

Clogs: Well, can you put spinach on there instead?

Server: *blink*

One more important guideline should be noted here. They stop cooking food for the express lunch steam table at 1:30 PM. This means that when the pan of kung pao tofu is down to the last three tasty brown triangles, that’s it! No heaping pan of freshly-cooked tofu is coming out, so if you want a fresh pile of tofu, you’d best order it from the menu or try to get here earlier.

But look at it another way. Arriving at 1:30 pm and ordering what’s left of the express lunch can actually work to your advantage. When you point to those last three triangles of tofu and the last 5 strips of black bean chicken as your two entrees, the lady will take pity on you and offer you a sizable helping of a third, and sometimes a fourth, entree selection! Yowza!

But the nice lady is not going to be inclined to heap this bounty upon you if, every time you haul your ass in there at 1:45, you stick out your lower lip and whine, “Is this ALL you have??”

I threw away my candy bar
And I ate the wrapper
And when they told me what I did
I burst into laughter

-Brian Wilson/Van Dyke Parks

I’m trying out a crazy new experiment - eating vegetarian. (No, not eating vegetarians) No particular thought process or game plan, just seeing how little meat I can eat. So far it’s going pretty well - it’s been a little over a week and I’ve eaten mostly vegetable and dairy matter, except for two very tasty pork dumplings and a delicious chunk of a poor doomed mahi-mahi.

I’ve learned that eating veggie is both easy and difficult. Easy if you’re just cooking for yourself, difficult if you’re going out to eat at a restaurant.

I’ve also noticed that we seem to be terrified of beans here in America. Aside from the refried ones that pad our burritos and the french green ones that are basically all pod and no seed, restaurants are not terribly conversant with the legumes. I guess they get a bad rap for being a simple peasant food, and for supposedly causing flatulence. But hey, I don’t know about your intestines (and please don’t tell me), but peas and beans irritate me far less than do meat and dairy.
Beans are a great thing to eat. They’ve got protein *and* fiber, and they cook up so nice and tasty in just about any sauce you can think of. And they’re like 49 cents a pound. So, guess what I’m bringing to your party?